God box

I have this little box I call a God Box (also known as a Prayer Box). The idea is you write your prayers on pieces of paper and put them into the box. When they come true, you fold them and leave them in the box. I hadn't looked at my prayers for about nine months, but I wanted to put a new one in for a friend who has a very ill family member. After writing up the new prayer, I looked at all of the unfolded ones I had. Wow. All of thse have come true, at least for the most part.

"Thank you for bringing children into my life when the time is right and in whatever way is right."
"Thank you for making my pregnancy smooth."
"Thank you for making my baby happy and healthy."
"Thank you for freeing [someone close to me] from addictions."
"Thank you for freeing me from debt." (This is about to happen!)
"Thank you for solving [someone close to me's] problems at work."

I think there were more, too. What a joy to fold those prayers over and say "thank you" again!

I also realized how many prayers I had regarding my husband's well-being. I need to let go of some of those and leave that up to him and the universe. So I took them out. I burned them in a little fire ritual, using the engraved lighter, "Shantra's Fire," he got me for my 35th birthday. I replaced them with a new one: "Thank you for allowing me to let go."

I feel happy and sad and confident and scared all at once. Life can be so confusing. We get caught up in so many details and so much of our pain that we don't see everything that's happening around us. We need to remember to breathe and calm down and look around and allow ourselves to really see.

I just noticed that it is the day before Easter. What synchronicity. On Easter, Jesus rose (metaphorically or not) from the dead. We, too, have the chance to rise above our useless beliefs and habits and live more fully.

I must end with a prayer for my friend:

Dear God,
Thank you for healing my friend's loved one. Thank you for helping her "rise from the dead" and come back stronger. And thank you for giving her family strength.
Amen.

April 6, 2009

So much to write, but not the time or motivation to do it! For now, I'll just post a picture of Aaron at nearly five months. I like it, but in a way, it doesn't look so much like the Aaron I know. Still... sweet!

February 15, 2009

Today makes two months since my ex moved out. Notice I no longer refer to him as my husband. I did at first, but that doesn't seem right now. We are trying to be friends, but I think it's harder than both of us imagined it would be. Sigh.

I am also flat broke. I mean like not paying my bills and making $50 of groceries last all month broke. Buying coffee at Target with a gift card broke. It's so depressing it's almost laughable -- me, the ultimate coffee snob, buying crappy Target house brand coffee. And bemoaning the fact that the coffee in my office at work (which six months ago I would have never deigned to drink) is now 50 cents a cup instead of a quarter. I don't believe I have been this low on cash in at least the past decade, and I thought I never would be again. Today I sold my breastpump. Last week I put in a request for free formula. The good news is several people responded and I have enough for the month at least. The bad news, of course, is that I am not breastfeeding, which is both not great for Aaron and is expensive as hell. I had no idea how much formula cost until I started buying it. OK, this hard time shall pass...

In the meantime, speaking of formula, check out these photos of my boy holding his bottle. I must say, he is rather advanced for his age! :)

February 7, 2009

I've decided I really dislike sending my baby to daycare. He's sick. (I'm sick, too.) He's coughing and full of phlegm, and this makes him throw up. And he hasn't smiled all day. With so many kids and germs around, it was inevitable, I suppose. But I really, really hate to see him suffer.

In this photo, taken a couple days ago, he was in a better mood. He's getting big -- he pretty much bypassed the 3-6 month size clothes and went from the 0-3 into the 6-9. He's also discovering his hands, which is a real joy to watch. I really miss him when I am at work.

January 25, 2009

My boy is twelve weeks old today. How quickly he changes!

January 5, 2009

Can you believe it's 2009 already?! Wow. Things are moving right along. Emotionally, I have wild ups and downs, but I think the ups are starting to win. I actually got a photo of Aaron smiling while awake. It's a pretty funny one. Also, he is getting heavy! My very unscientific weighing of him puts him at 14 lbs! I have got to learn how to take the red-eye out of pictures. In the meantime, I'll keep posting them as-is.

December 26, 2008 - Aaron is two months old today!

At 11:55 p.m., Aaron will be two months old. Wow. It has already been quite the ride. When I look back through the posts I've written since his birth, I realize how much change there has been already. For instance, I am surprised to see I wrote that he only slept in one-hour blocks at night. It must have been true, but I don't remember. Now he is awake most of the day and sleeps at least three hours at a stretch at night, usually with one longer one at the beginning. I am still tired -- eight hours or even more broken into chunks is no comparison to getting a solid eight in a row -- but I am able to think fairly clearly and function reasonably well.

I am also now thoroughly in love with him. At first I was a little worried that I wasn't bonding well enough, but now I just want to hold him and cuddle him all the time. I am looking forward to returning to work, but at the same time I am sad to miss out on part of these wonderful early months. Some good news is I have not abandoned breastfeeding, and have been doing it more. I figure that as long as I have milk, it is not too late to increase production, although it will be a challenge to get nursing well established this late in the game. I am happy to report that he has not gone one day without at least a little breastmilk.

I think I am mellowing out, too. I need to, for his sake as well as my own. Of course, there is still tons of sadness about my husband, and I wish Aaron had a daddy and I had a partner in parenthood. There is a part of me that yearns for everything to be OK again, for Husband to be freed from his troubles and also decide that no matter how Aaron came to be here, he wants to be his father. I don't think it will happen, but I am not ready to give up hope altogether. At the same time, I am trying to move on, so if anybody knows any eligible guys who have their lives together and would understand that my son has to come first, talk to me. :)

So many changes! And so many more to come. But right now, I need to change a diaper. "Little Aaron needs a new diaper now..." (The Diaper Song, courtesy of my friend Laura. Sing it to the "If You're Happy and You Know It" tune.)